Game of Thrones 3.5: Kissed by Censored

“Kissed by Fire.” Is it a fanciful description of a hair color? A more literal description of a certain fight to the death? Or merely the title of the fifth episode of HBO’s Game of Thrones‘ third season? Okay, fine, yes. It’s all three, you fancy recap-readers. Step this way, and relive every breathless moment of bloody drama and daring innuendo.

KING’S LANDING
Tyrion has a rather unpleasant snack date with Olenna Tyrell: you can tell it’s unpleasant, because there is no Cheese Boy and Pod is sent scurrying for prunes. (Or were they figs? Anyway, thorny biddy only eats one and leaves. There’s that Tyrell frugality!) Tyrion tries to encourage Highgarden to donate money for the Crazy Opulent Royal Wedding Fund, mentioning the expenses of war which are so over a lady’s head and surely nothing the Queen of Thorns has memorized… except then she schools him in exactly what Highgarden’s provided, free of charge (well, very cheaply, just one slightly damaged highborn lady betrothed to the future king! such a bargain!). Tyrion’s left feeling all foolish, but she promises the Tyrells will pay for half the wedding anyway. Backhand score for the new Master of Coin!

Elsewhere, Cersei lurks about the place in order to grab a private word with Littlefinger– she’s not so cocky now that daddy’s on the scene, so no more playfully surrounding him with drawn swords and debating the definition of power with him. Cersei Lannister wants information on what the Tyrells are up to, and Baelish goes along with it for intel is valuable. Of course, in true Littlefinger fashion, he makes his move by sending a whore to gleam details from pillowtalk. It’s a manwhore this time, though. Lord Baelish is nothing if not progressive. Cut to Sansa and Margaery, cheerfully watching Sansa’s secretly-betrothed Loras spar with weapons on a beautiful afternoon. It’s too bad that Loras himself is cleverly planning to spar with his lance-caddie a little later. Oh, Sansa. Your Happily Ever After Prince Fantasy #1 is playing hard for the other team.

Loras Tyrell is a chatty lover, and the lance-caddie/manwhore is reporting back to to Littlefinger soon enough. Baelish processes the information and then tracks down Sansa Stark to feel her out, possibly astonished and a little bit proud that his baby is finally playing the Game of Thrones and DISSEMBLING TO HIS FACE. He’s still going to win against her, but Baelish’s heart swelled three times that day. (Or something else did, anyway. Lecherous jerk.)

Meanwhile, Tywin has called a Lannister Family Meeting. These things never end well. Tyrion struts in rather proud of saving the kingdom a tidy sum in the matter of the wedding, but Tywin is all “whatevs, no one cares about your job” and “we have actual important matters to discuss.” (Apparently Tywin needs a history lesson on the Iron Bank of Braavos.) Hand of the King Tywin then hands out unwanted marriages like candy and his children try not to freak out. Tyrion protests his match because he knows he’s the worst to be inflicted on poor, unsuspecting Sansa (who dreams of a tall and handsome knight); Cersei slaps back against hers because she never wants to be subjected to a man against her will again (even if it IS to a pretty boy with no interest in her bed). Misery all around! That’s Tywin Lannister’s way.

THE RIVERLANDS
Meanwhile, in the Riverlands, there are actually some members of the Lannister family (extended edition) that are having a worse time. Karstark, still mad over the death of his GROWN-ASS SOLDIER SONS, busts up into a locked tower and kills two defenseless boys who can’t even grow a decent lip-fringe yet. Robb demands to know if that makes Karstark and his craven henchmen feel like men; Karstark bellows with scorn over how his King WHO LOST THE NORTH can just slap him on the wrist now and be done with it. Despite the fact it’ll cost him a large chunk of his army, Robb decides to hang the henchmen and take Karstark’s head off instead. He is his father’s son, after all, even as Karstark’s “kill me and be cursed” echoes with more than a little weight.

Robb’s counselors, mom, and wife (can’t forget Talisa, guys, she’s no stateswoman but she exists!) are fairly horrified, seeing as how he’s struck a massive blow against his own mission in the pursuit of justice and honor. Robb could see no other option, and sees only a few more open to him to continue the war: it’s time to try taking the Lannister ancestral home (Casterly Rock represent!). And to do that, he’ll need fresh forces from the Lord Walder Frey. You know. That guy with all those daughters, one of whom he promised to marry in return for a VERY IMPORTANT BRIDGE. (Too bad he slipped and fell into random battlefield healer Talisa.) King Stark’s going Twinsward to beg, and that’s not a seriously bad idea AT ALL.

Somewhere in the Riverlands, deep in the Brotherhood Without Banner’s Cave Lair, a FIGHT TO THE DEATH is being fought. A literal trial by fire, if you will: Beric Dondarrion grabs himself a flaming sword courtesy of the Lord of Light and a dash of his own blood. Sandor Clegan pretends not to be pissing-his-pants terrified (FAILING!) and channels it all into murderous momentum instead. This duel proves not to be an safe spectator sport, and a few people almost get run through. In the end, though, R’hollor judges the Hound innocent (or just not done yet) and he KILLS BERIC DONDARRION WHAT. But that’s not all – Thoros of Myr BRINGS HIM BACK TO LIFE, pretty as you please, and half the cavern pretends not to be freaked right the hell out.

The Hound is permitted to leave. Arya takes umbrage at this and tries to kill him, but she’s still small enough to be plucked up like a particularly feisty kitten. (She really DOES NOT appreciate that, and WILL cut a bitch one day.) Arya sulks. Gendry decides to stay and blacksmith for the BWB. Arya fails to convince him that class divisions don’t matter, and then slinks off for a fireside chat with a drunken Thoros and zombie Beric. Said chat is an only partially theoretical conversation with Thoros about whether he could resurrect a man without a head. It’s all a bit tear-jerking, honestly. (COME BACK, NED. YOUR FAMILY MISSES YOU.)

Elsewhere, Jaime Lannister is finally thrown at the feet of Roose Bolton, who decides that all he’s wanted in life is to be a real-time troll. He messed with Jaime about whether his sister’s alive or dead, rightfully reading that Cersei is the key to causing Jaime the most pain. See, this is the problem with the damned Boltons. They specialize in pain, and the sophisticated causing of it. (A FLAYED MAN IS THEIR SIGIL; this is not okay!)

Still, Roose is a gentleman and commands Jaime be treated as befits his station, even if that does mean being treated by a maester who has been stripped of his chain. (It seems that the Citadel really didn’t approve of Qyburn’s…experiments. Are you nervous about that? You should be.) Anyway, Jaime gets part of his bloody stump cut away and the rest cleaned out with boiling wine. He refuses milk of the poppy like a particularly paranoid badass. Qyburn pretends not to admire Jaime’s manliness, but Jaime knows they all like his swagger.

Of course, he’s not swaggering when he’s later helped into the baths at Harrenhall — baths currently only occupied by one very naked Brienne. She doesn’t appreciate the Kingslayer climbing in with her, but Jaime really doesn’t care. And thus begins one of the most amazing scenes on Game of Thrones: a vulnerable Jaime Lannister bares his soul to Brienne of Tarth, former captor, now fellow captive. A woman and knight he trusts. He confesses how the late mad King Aerys nearly burned all of King’s Landing as his own insane funeral pyre, and then swoons in Brienne’s arms. Oh, show.

DRAGONSTONE
We finally meet Stannis’ Queen, and it ain’t pretty. Selyse stays shut up in her tower, praying as only a zealot can to the Lord of Light. She speaks proselytizes so passionately to her husband and King, swearing she totes doesn’t mind that he cheated on her with the hot Red Priestess. And had a terrifying shadow-baby with Melisandre what murdered his brother. We even get to see Selyse’s DEAD BABIES IN JARS collection. I’m serious. Tower full of crazy.

I feel bad that his daughter shares close quarters with that mess, but Shireen is a sweet little girl who latches on to Stannis as soon as he shows up. For his part, Stannis is all awkwardly HOW DO HUG. He’s completely lost when it comes to being a father, which somehow makes the iron-faced One True King of Westeros… adorable. Of course, then he tells his daughter that her best adult friend, Ser Davos (and the most honest councilman he’s ever had), is a traitor and rotting in their dungeons. Ugh. UGH. Bad Stannis. No Westeros for you. (Pro-tip: the grey ruin of Shireen’s face happened because she had a fictional disease called greyscale as a baby. No one catches a break on Game of Thrones.)

ACROSS THE NARROW SEA
Jorah Mormont makes careful conversation with Barristan Selmy, clearly trying to suss out whether the dude knows that he was once-upon-a-time a traitor to his beloved Khaleesi. Barristan seems utterly ignorant of it, and mostly preoccupied with making up for lost time in guiding Daenerys. Jorah settles right back onto his high horse and sneers at Barristan for being mostly unknown and potentially untrustworthy, but Mormont better watch himself. He’s got an awfully long way to fall.

Daenerys, meanwhile, continues to march toward Yunkai, another slaving city beyond Astapor. Along the way, she requests that the Unsullied choose their own leader. Meet Grey Worm, a strong man with an insulting name that he chooses to keep because it’s the name he bore the day he was freed. Daenerys stands every inch the Queen in the face of this declaration, but you can almost see her with Kermit-arms and crying “MY FEELS!” later that night on Tumblr.

THE WALL AND BEYOND
Jon Snow is being grilled about the habits of the Night’s Watch, and looks as if every bit of information is being picked off his bones by a particularly nasty crow. He’s really not that great at playing traitor, but his natural surly demeanor does most of his work for him. Tormund Giantsbane and Orell the Skinwalker keep harassing him, until Ygritte drags him off to prove once again that Jon Snow’s no “crow.”

This proof involves a private cave and a handy hot spring, you dig? It’s being naked proof. Proper oathbreaking proof. Ygritte, as always, insists that Jon Snow knows nothing when they begin, but she’s definitely singing a different song right there in the middle. There’s even a handy pie chart about it. (It includes technical terms, so view at your own risk.)  So. That happened.

Next week! Those crazy wildlings CLIMB THE WALL! Roose Bolton puts Brienne of Tarth IN A DRESS! (He’s diabolical, I tell you.) The boy formerly known as “that nice boy helping Theon” puts into words what all readers of Martin’s book series already know: “If you think this has a happy ending, you haven’t been paying attention.” AND SO MUCH MORE! Shudders and thrills await!