Game of Thrones 3.1: All Men Just Got Served

Game of Thrones is back, and everyone’s in trouble (which is absolutely not news to you if you’re a fan of George R. R. Martin’s A Song of Ice and Fire series). We hit the ground running (literally, poor Samwell) and the relentless politickin’ and oh-crappin’ doesn’t stop until the credits roll. And by stopping, I mean the week between episodes will really only give us time to pause for breath – because, believe me, as someone who’s read all the books, this season is going to be INTENSE.

Let’s check in with each of the headstrong houses of wacky Westeros, shall we?

Lannisters
As is typical for this abusive and incestuous house, they’re roaring all about the place (and mostly at each other). Tyrion is understandably paranoid after his sister tried to have him killed during last season’s Battle of the Blackwater (thanks for letting him keep the nose, Ser Mandon Moore! May you not rest in peace, you backstabbing blaggard). He spends his time having careful sniping sessions with Cersei, and less careful conversations with his father. Tywin has no more time for battlefield shenanigans, and has taken up residence in King’s Landing to essentially rule from his position as Hand of the King. So Tyrion wants Casterly Rock (the Lannister’s home base, don’t ya know). He also thinks his inspired chemical warfare against Stannis on the Blackwater was pretty boss, so some gratitude all around would be nice. Tywin, on the other hand, thinks Tyrion is a mom-killin’ whoremonger that he has to call his son (some parts of society REALLY SUCK), so he can take Casterly Rock over Tywin’s dead body and try not to embarrass the family too much in the meantime, k thx.

Also in King’s Landing: The Tyrells say “Look at us! We’re filthy rich, have tons of food, and politic better than any of you [censored]! Peace!” In other words, Margaery visits an orphanage in Fleabottom and gives toys away while telling little kids their dads were heroes. She also subtly lets the woman running the orphanage know just on which side the bread is buttered, because the Tyrells actually understand that the support of the people is a large part of staying in power.

Littlefinger has creepily inappropriate conversation with Sansa, while Ros and Shae stand around to remind you that they’re two incredibly important and surprisingly independent pawns in this chess game. (I’d start using cyvasse terms, but that’s just taking it a bit far. Book fans represent!)

Starks
The Starks (read: Robb, his mother, and his army) had nothing better to do in this episode than ride around and look at the wreck that was Harrenhal. Protip: it’s a wreck. Like, worse than usual since there are a crazy number of corpses just lying about the place, and one not-quite-dead maester called Qyburn. Roose Bolton walked around being creepy (as always) and alluded to his “best hunters” being on the trail of Jaime and Brienne while the flayed man on his breast was disturbingly prominent in every second of his screentime. (I’m sorry, I just can’t trust a family whose sigil is A FLAYED MAN. Honestly, what the actual hell?) Also, Karstark’s still pissed about his sons, and joins most of the army in being all STARK BETTER SMASH about the loss of impending vengeance since King Robb’s mum turned the Kingslayer loose. So Robb locks Catelyn up in whatever bit of Harrenhal is still standing, because the support of his men is honestly more important than her. Talisa showed up long enough to remind us she’s Robb’s wife, and we all studiously tried to avoid looking at her as the Biggest Political Gaffe Ever. No. Seriously, Robb. What Were You Thinking?

Baratheons
Stannis sat around listening to “One is the Loneliest Number” (much like Cobra Commander, the One True King of Westeros is a fan of Three Dog Night).  He also probably spent his time not having sex with Melisandre, but definitely staring into her blasted Flames of the Future (for entertainment purposes only, satisfaction not guaranteed). He also apparently let her burn some heretics, because that’s always good for cheering one up and keeping the support of one’s people. Meanwhile, Davos Seaworth lived through his ship being exploded by wildfire at the Battle of the Blackwater and being stranded on an island for who knows how long, because he’s just that much of a boss. Luckily, he was rescued by Salladhor Saan who continues to be one of my favorite pirates and just wanted to sail into the sunset with Davos smuggling by his side. Instead, Davos insisted on returning to Dragonstone to try and inject some honest sense into his King’s prophecy-addled mind and maybe try to kill Melisandre on the side. Seeing as she’s a future-seeing witch who’s been breeding zealots, that went about as well for Davos as can be expected: he’ll now be enjoying the dank dungeons of Dragonstone rather than the fresh sea breezes of his recently departed island home.

Targaryens
Daenerys is chilling on the one boat she finally managed to acquire in Pentos, watching her awesome dragons cavort on the open sea and broil up some fish. (The Dothraki aren’t enjoying their time at all, being landlocked horse-lovers that distrust any water they can’t drink. This is definitely a more-vomit, less-cocktail type of cruise for them.) She fetches up in Astapor, because she’s graduated from “where are my dragons?!” and “where are my boats?!” to “where is my army?!” The slavers of Astapor want to sell her an army of Unsullied, i.e. a bunch of stoic dudes who don’t need no nipples and kill babies in the marketplace. (Pro-tip: this is not of their own free will. They don’t cut off their nipples and slaughter infants for fun or anything.) Daenerys is clearly offended and angry by the sheer notion of slavery, and doesn’t need the Astapor slaver’s commentary about her being a whore or Ser Jorah smelling like piss to urge her on to well-banked fury. I don’t see things going well for them. Meanwhile, back at the docks, a blue-mouth warlock girl failed to kill Daenerys with a ridiculously pretty scorpion thanks to the well-timed intervention of– Ser Barristan Selmy! You sly dog. Betrayed her family and all that you stood for, but you’ve seen the error of your ways, eh? Good thing for you that Daenerys is such a fabulous Khaleesi and will probably forgive you.

The Night’s Watch and Beyond the Wall:
The brothers of the Night’s Watch actually survived their first encounter with the Others and their undead army of zombie men and horses! Good on them. Sadly, Samwell Tarly totally failed his ONE JOB to get the ravens off with super-succinct warnings like “OMFG ZOMBIES IN THE WILDERNESS RIGHT NOW” so no one knows what’s going down. So, it’s up to us – I mean, the Old Bear and the Boys – to make their way back to the Wall and sell the realms on the whole zombie invasion thing. I don’t see that going well either.

Jon Snow spends his time making a fool of himself in the Wildling camp by gawking at giants, getting stoned by kids, and then bowing to the wrong man (not that Mance Rayder wants him bowing and scraping ’bout the place anyhow). Ygritte, who clearly uses threatening him with an untimely death as code for “You know nothing of how I want to jump your bones, Jon Snow”, plays up that Jon totally killed that rascally rabbit Qhorin Halfhand. Mance Rayder finally reveals himself after they all have a good laugh at Jon’s expense, and nearly strikes him down on the spot for not knowing how to answer why he wants to betray the Watch and join the Wildlings. Rayder’s way too wily for Snow’s boyish blundering, but Jon stumbles on a bit of truth in the end: he wants to fight for the side that fights for the living. Answer: satisfactory! Someone get this kid a new cloak! Jon Snow’s in with the Free Folk, and may the Old Gods help him now.

Next week: Jaime and Brienne on the road again, livin’ large and takin’ charge! Sansa being grilled by the Tyrells, hidin’ all sorts of thorns under the rose of their House! Arya kicking ass and running into some Not So Merry Men! Osha, Wildling Protector to the Starks, looking half-feral as always! And entirely too much more to shake a really big stick at!